Ebb and Flow
Recently, I have taken a vastly intense introspective look at myself. Why am I the way I am? I think some of us don’t care to think about this as it can cause painful memories to surface. So out of fear, most of us, probably, don’t beg the question. We dare not tread on unraveled waters. We have suppressed many unpleasant memories as it makes it easier to walk through life, or does it? Certainly, I am guilty of this. I lived in immense fear for so long that I accepted the “residue” of the person that I thought I was. I didn’t know I could change my frame of thought, or as I have adopted from a friend that liked to call it, make a paradigm shift.
I felt like I was stuck with whatever, whoever I was because fear caused me to suppress my “why” and I unknowingly suppressed me. Many could tell you I had an excuse for everything I could not do, and I just accepted that.
I just knew exactly what I needed and would be capable of in this world. I dubbed myself as an unlucky, misfortune, that was dealt a bad hand. As I have journeyed through my life, I’ve learned that I could change the ugly in me and I didn’t have to suppress parts of me out of fear of my ugly past surfacing. How could I even get started? I had no idea. I began reading, a lot. Prayed too! I soon realized that the only way to embark on a new me, I had to face the old and current me.
I started asking myself the “why”, and I decided that I didn’t have to accept how my past swayed my now. I began to unravel, unwrap and uncover my “why”. I faced it all, the good, the bad, and the extremely ugly. I cried, I danced, I slept, I ranted, and I raved until I couldn’t anymore. I was now free of my own suppressions placed on me and by others. So now what? Right?! After I uncovered my inner truth, I had to rebuild me – without suppressions. Honestly, I am still building me. I truly believe, I may never stop building me as I think one should never stop evolving. Many of us associate evolution with material – tangibility.
I don’t believe that that is truly evolution. As humans, we are so much more than that. I think through our life’s work, we can acquire gifts for ourselves that we can appreciate, but we as humans should caution ourselves with not attaching sentiment to material items. I constantly ask myself, if I had just 15 minutes to pack, what would I pack? It puts things into perspective. Though, I have to be frank, I struggle with this!
We all live whatever life we create, then, not to be morbid, but, we die. All that is left behind, stays behind. The only thing that is left are the memories etched in the minds of those in which we left an impression, negatively or positively. I am often guilty of running to the hottest sale or trend, or just buying a “coveted” item that I value. Does it really have any real value, nope. It’s just stuff. It will always be stuff. However, the inner stuff is what truly matters. I just want to be aware of my choices more closely.
